Friday, April 28, 2017

That Sharp Shape Again


I don’t know that you finally date him. I don’t know that I actually the one who made you two are finally dating one another. I really happy for it. I really happy and sad. Because, because I cannot say what I should say before you finally date one another. Don’t you know that I already fall for her since the day one I met her? Which happen like 5 years ago? Don’t you know that I actually disappoint of myself that I let you know her? Don’t you know that at the first place I really happy because my best friend is finally meeting my favorite person? Don’t you know that I shouldn’t have this kind of feeling towards her since the day one? I think you don’t know that now, today, my chest, my head, and my eyes, feel empty. I’ve never been emptier than this before.

People say that this shape is the most avoided shape in any relation. Two people love each other, while another person in the circle is having one-sided love. Maybe they’re right. This is what I felt now.

I asked myself, you shouldn’t love her since the first time. I answer myself, but if it is not her, why I feel this feeling? If I shouldn’t have this feeling, why do I have it? I didn’t ask to have this kind of feeling? Why did God do this to me? He said that he is the utterly just, but I didn’t see that. Where is the fairness of this?

I don’t know what is wrong with me. I felt like there is a sharp knife gently slit it on and get through my deepest central heart all the time. Why? I’m human. I’m human that has a heart just like you. Why? Why? Can you tell me what I did wrong? Tell me why! I’m alone. I’m lonely in this crowded world.

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Wednesday. It was Wednesday. I can remember it. The first time I introduce you to him for the first time. I think he likes you since then. I’ve never seen him look any girl as he saw you that time. Then we talking and planning about our holiday. The holiday we have planned since last year.
One day, I think it is good to invite him to our holiday because, well he have ever been there. So I guess we will get a lot of help from him.

The day we depart is come. He greeted you first than me. The person he already knew for more than 5 years. You, the person he knew for not more than a month ago. But, I did not convinced by then.
We do our holiday cheerfully. We laugh, we talk, we walk, we take pictures, and we cook, just like a normal holiday.

As we come home, you two look shining while I'm look shadowing. You two keep contacting one another. I’m trying to fish your attention as usual. You answer as usual. But I know, you actually just answering my attention just to ask about her. About my best friend.

To cover it up, I say nothing. The Scientist sang by Coldplay make me understand where my position is now. I am by far just your groove, to get her.

I know that if I cry my feeling out loud, it will just make us have more distance; a broader distance that will make me hurt myself more. I’m happy that I can still meet you, greet you, chat with you even you have him now. At least, I can still see you smile, that will make me smile anyway.

I know this is not healthy for three of us. But, I can do it. I don’t know until when I can keep this. I don’t know until when I can hold this heavy stone above my heart. Maybe, until you said enough. “enough, I don’t need you and your help anymore” which I think I know when it will happen.

Hello. Hello, my dear old friend, loneliness. Finally, we meet again.



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